The First Counseling Support Center Workshop of the semester was held last week, January 18th, when a handful of students settled in to listen to one of Parkland College’s Mental Health Counselors, Katie Schact. Schact, who has over a decade of experience in the field of counseling, led an insightful discussion on handling the weight of expectations and reality.
For those who were unable to attend or simply curious as to what the presentation entailed, do not worry… I have compiled the highlights.
Firstly, let’s define a few key terms of the workshop:
Expectation: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
Reality: the world or the state of things as they actually exist
Subjectivity: the quality of being based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions
Schact: We cannot go through a moment of our lives without it being filtered through our preconceived notions and ideas. What I’m experiencing and what you are experiencing is absolutely subject to my experiences, my beliefs, my feelings, my thoughts, my traumas, my joys, all of it.
Then you throw in expectations. And expectations are a ladder of ‘should-bes’ and ‘will-bes’. I-hope-to-bes and I-need-to-bes and it’s a lot of noise in your head just going into a random party with your friends, right? So, what makes it hard is when you go into a movement as “it should…” or “it will…”, then it makes it harder to even experience that moment as it actually exists.
Addressing the Problem
It’s no secret we all have expectations, both realistic and unrealistic. And that’s okay! Expectations are what get us out of bed and drive us to go experience life; they help us achieve goals. The issue lies, however, with whether the expectations are healthy or unhealthy. “Do the expectations help you thrive or do they make you stuck?” Schact questioned. Harboring unhealthy expectations will oftentimes set you and/or an experience up for failure. As previously mentioned, expectations can be extremely motivating. Unrealistic expectations, though, can have a contrasting effect.
Schact: If you are surrounded by unhealthy expectations, you end up finding yourself sitting a whole lot more on that couch, disappearing from life, and shutting things out because you feel like there is no way to actually achieve these things.
Harmful expectations can hurt relationships, diminish desires, and introduce unhealthy behaviors. Certain expectations can also lead an individual to false thinking such as believing that achieving a specific goal will bring feelings of satisfaction and joy. This can ultimately guide someone to pursue the wrong path. To avoid this, it is vital to acknowledge when an expectation is unhealthy.
How to Hurdle Hurtful Thinking & Expectations
- Practice changing your “should” statements to “I want/I need/I can”
- Ask yourself, “what would I say to a friend?”
- If you’re really struggling with an expectation and you’re trying to figure out how to respond to yourself about that expectation, ask yourself “what would I say to someone I love and respect?”
- Retain your humor & compassion
- Schact: If you cannot laugh at yourself, you are missing an exceptionally flexible and supportive coping mechanism. Sense of humor and compassion go hand in hand because if you can laugh at yourself and love yourself through your mistakes, then you will be much more willing to get to the problem-solving bit of it.
- Find a balance of gratitude
- Don’t use gratitude as a reason to feel bad about yourself or that you’re not being grateful enough for your life
- Work to reach a point in which you can genuinely sit and say, “I am so grateful for you people right here in this room…. I am so grateful that I have a car that runs… I’m so grateful for this cup of coffee.”
- Acknowledge when you are grateful for more things than you’re hateful about
Questions to Ask Yourself
Is Your Expectation Based On a Should?
- Just a few examples: I should go to school right now. I shouldn’t be anxious. I shouldn’t be depressed. I should be happy. My relationship should be easy.
- Schact: We have a lot of “shoulds” walking around in that head of ours and none of them are actually very helpful because “should” is about shaming and judging and not understanding. It’s not about problem-solving
Is Your Expectation Based on an If/Then Statement?
Schact: If our expectations are based on a should or if/then statement, we are less likely to look for a pursue solutions to what is bothering us
- Examples: If I go to school then I will feel like I have meaning. If I get a career then my life will finally feel like it has started. If I find a partner, then I will be happy. If I become a mom, then my life will be fulfilled.
- Schact: Typically, these scenarios are based on an unrealistic message that you have received somewhere. And it’s time to ask yourself if that is your values or if that has values that have been shoveled into you over time.
Ground Into Now
There can be a lot of commotion going on in our minds involving the past and the future. Mistakes we’ve made, embarrassing or awkward moments, an uncomfortable situation… What will my life look like once I graduate? Kids? Marriage? What if I don’t achieve any of my dreams?
Center yourself and focus on what’s going on in your life right now. “Ground down in the fact that nothing exists for any of us except this moment right now…That past version that so many of us carry on with us and think about and agonize about, it no longer exists anymore. That future person may never come to fruition,” Schact encouraged students.
Take Time to Understand Yourself
- It is difficult to meet your needs when you don’t really comprehend certain parts of yourself
- Schact: Think about a partner. Think about the last time you felt really, really loved for the first time. You’re like, what do they like, what would make them happy? What gets them excited? What can I do right now to put a smile on their face? What was their childhood like? What are their hopes and joys and dreams? Why don’t we ask those questions to ourselves?
- Here’s a simple, but meaningful and encompassing prompt to takeaway: become curious about yourself.
The Counseling Support Center will be offering more workshops throughout the spring semester. Dates can be found at https://www.parkland.edu/Main/About-Parkland/Department-Office-Directory/Counseling-Services/Counseling-Support-Center/Workshops-and-Groups and be sure to look out for announcements!
The Counseling Support Center is located in Room U238 and possesses a variety of mental health resources available to students. For more on student counseling services and support provided by Parkland College visit https://www.parkland.edu/Main/About-Parkland/Department-Office-Directory/Counseling-Services/Counseling-Support-Center or contact the office by email (counselingservices@parkland.edu).
